Shark Attack

Shark's Poison Ivy is getting worse. She admitted to making it spread on purpose. We quarantined her to her room yesterday. Today, she is set on making my day horrible. She probably had too much time to 'think' yesterday and today she is living out her plans ON ME!!

She has been constantly showing me her "spots", crying because they hurt, and up in my face telling me that she now has it in her eyes and telling me it is my job to do something about it. It seems that she only is blatantly rude to me when we are alone. She is making me feel like I do not know how to mother her, that I am a heartless, uncaring person towards her. I have to admit, on days like today it is harder to show her love but I DO LOVE HER. She is hurting!! I sometimes want to think that she does not know what she is doing. She acts so innocent when I ask her "why". I leave the room thinking "Am I crazy?"

Then, reality hits and I know that I must deal with behavior with behavioral consequences. I must remove my feelings of doubt, my feeling of fear, and my feeling of wanting to comfort this child who is intentionally hurting herself to gain attention. I must stay strong, pray, abide in Christ and rely on His strength to lift me up. I have to seek His Wisdom. It is not time to give up, I am going to show this child that I will not leave her, that I will not hurt her, and that I not giving up on her NO MATTER WHAT. I am going to love her even if she is choosing not to accept the love.

Wow, it sounds easy as I write those statements but reality is that parenting her is one of the hardest things I have done in my life. She has caused me to question my parenting skills, question my ability to love, and even broken me into tears over thoughts and feelings that I have had relating to her. I have realized that I am not all that I thought I was. I have realized that needed her to teach me a deeper way to love. I am realizing that with Christ - I am the Mother she needs.

Lord, give me Your Wisdom and Strength for each moment. Help me to know how to help her. Heal her Lord I pray.